On not being a “dog person”

Most chagrined Easter bunny ever

Mostly, I’m neutralish on the whole idea

I’m not really a dog person. Feeding and caring for myself takes up a lot of my time, and I don’t really have extra to devote to a creature that once roamed the primordial woods and now leaves its hair all over my clothes. HOWEVER. Being a dog aunt is kinda cool, because I get to take care of my nephew Castor for short periods of time and smack his very smackable bottom, then go home and lint roll the ever loving shit outta my clothes in a mostly dog-hair free environment.

Reasons I like being a part-time dog lover

1.      When I walk in the door and Castor literally jumps in the air, he’s so excited to see me, I feel that he is the only creature on Earth to have the proper response to my presence.

2.      Is there any leisure-time activity more rewarding than watching “The Vampire Diaries” while feeding a dog Cheetos?

3.      I find being herded by a dog strangely soothing. It makes me reasonably certain I won’t accidentally fall off a cliff/be eaten by a bear, which is not a certainty I normally have.

4.      I can totes think up adorable nicknames for him without ever having to feed him or let him out. It’s like having one of those Nanopets from the ’90s, except someone else is responsible for keeping him alive.

Top ten most hilarious/inexplicable names for my nephew, in no particular order

Shit Beak

Baby Bear

Fluffapotamus

Castor Bean

Beanerino

Shaunsey Brewski

Seamus

Cassy Boo

Dances with Coyotes

Seriously, GO PEE